Well, The Pleasure, The Privilege Is Mine

It's gruesome that someone
So handsome should care.
- The Smiths

I tell you now that --

-- it is not an insurmountable task to get my cooperation. If tagged, I will respond in kind. I will prove the truthfulness of this statement.

(Tagged by Joy Ahoy Alloy Polloi. That was a nasty exercise in rhyming. Tsk!)

Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things about himself or herself. People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own as well as state the rule clearly. In the end, you need to tag 6 people as well and list their names. Don’t forget to let them know they’ve been tagged!

Well, let's see now. I think I'm one of the most normal people I know. I go through the daily, necessary routines that at least 80% of ordinary folks impose on themselves, such as brushing teeth, taking baths, going to work, masticating and digesting edible matter. I love the word masticate!

Hey man what's up?

Oh, nothing much, just masticating as always.

Parents can tell their kids, Don't masticate with your mouth open!

Also, when a man and a woman are tearing off each other's clothes in the heat of passion, one of them can exhort the other to Masticate me, jungle cat!

On to business.

Number One: The first "weird" thing about myself would be the fact that I can reach my nose with my tongue. I can also touch my chest with the tip of said tongue. To this day, I haven't met anyone who can execute the same gestures -- if you can, and if you are male and no older than 45, please post a message on my shoutbox and maybe we can meet up. I will bring a bottle of chocolate syrup and you can bring the contraceptives. And then we tongue-wrestle. Haha! I'm sorry, that was a tasteless joke.

Seriously, though, I was born with a tongue longer than most. When I close my mouth, my tongue has to bend itself in the middle, mirroring the appearance of a mild bell curve on a graph:

The curve isn't as drastic, of course, but you get the message. It's just too bad that I'm not a lesbian. I would have made scores of women very very happy.

Number Two: Sometimes I can stay up all night just worrying if I've committed a spelling error. I almost drove myself to the brink once, wondering if I'd spelled irreparable as irrepairable. I only got to sleep when -- unable to withstand the internal pressure -- I unearthed our dictionary and found out that the two versions were acceptable.

Number Three: I am very anal about my penmanship. In the past, I've consumed whole tablets of stationery for a single letter, mostly because I didn't like the way I wrote a particular letter B or how that apostrophe looks too much like a maggot. Sometimes I'm just beginning the letter and I think the Dear ____ looks annoying, so I tear out the sheet and start again on a fresh one. At work, I can spend at least twenty minutes revising one post-it note which only I would read anyway.

Number Four: My sister and I speak to each other in an exclusive language of our own making, and which we are simultaneously protective of and embarrassed about. Nobody else has heard us use this language -- nobody, except for our parents and our cousin, Mia, who always makes fun of it. She also swears that she can imagine me and my sister aging into wizened spinsters and still living together at 70.

Number Five: When I happen upon someone whom I think is attractive, my first impulse is to laugh. It was torture the other day: I was in an FX en route to Greenhills to meet Bruce, Obi, and Abbey, and across from me was a guy in this generic, service crew-type uniform, and he had lovely brown skin and very clear eyes and it just pained me, I wanted to laugh so badly but I couldn't!! My mouth was quivering and my cheeks hurt like hell from the all the effort it took to keep a straight face. You cannot imagine what a relief it was when my stop finally came. But holy goddamn fucking bunghole, that fellow was cute.

Number Six: I have four noses in different secret areas in my body. When you and I become friends, I will tell you where they are.

It's too tough to pick the folks I'm tagging. If you want to pass this around, you are most welcome to! You're just as free to claim that I tagged you, and you will have my blessing, my children. If you don't feel like it, that's all right.

I would like to have some ice cream right now.
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